Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
