I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
