Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
