maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
