just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
