I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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