I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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