my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
