I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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