Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
