i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
