upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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