I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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