walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
