I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
