haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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