I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
