im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize