I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
