the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
