Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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