margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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