I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
