I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
