Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize