I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
