I wish i was in the wii world.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
