you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
