I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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