I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
