I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
