i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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