I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
