i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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