he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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