the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Come see our sink grown plant.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
