you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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