All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
This baby is an asshole
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
