so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
