The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
