Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
