you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
