I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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