I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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