My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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