I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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