In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
