i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
