hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
