someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
