I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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