i already hear my dad disowning me
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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