theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
