I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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