all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize