listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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