Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
last night I used snow as a chaser
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