Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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