I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
