i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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